shaken, not stirred

My apologies. The title is not a reference to a beverage. It’s a reference to my state of mind for much of today.

I don’t often feel belittled or so angry that I’m visibly shaking, but today I did. This morning when I was at work, the lovely ex-husband sent me a text message about our oldest daughter that was very mean. Cruel, in fact. After I responded, he sent a few more messages that were absolutely hateful and vile. I responded, but kept myself from typing the horrible things that were swirling around in my head. I was to the point, reminded him that he’s chosen to not be involved in their lives and has no right to insult me as a woman or as a mom, and told him to not contact me again unless it concerns the kids.

Even now, hours later, the words he texted keep playing in my head like the horrible things he used to say always did. It’s been a long time since anyone spoke to me like that. Actually, he’s the only person who’s shaken me to my core, planted seeds of doubt about who I am, what my family stands for and made me feel bad about who I am as a person. Ever.

He can be a nasty, controlling, small-minded, stupid man. The amazing thing is that he also can appear to be kind, fun and engaging… for a while, at least, as long as things are going his way. When the excitement has calmed and normal life ensues, as tends to happen in the real world, the mask comes off, the gloves go on. He fights dirty, fights to win at all costs, fights to protect his little ego by belittling the women woman in his life.

I’m so very glad to be divorced from him. On July 11, it will have been 7 years.